[ He knows that Makoto hates being left out of the loop, hates being unable to help -- the way he reacted to Nageki's death was so strong and visceral, after all. Tenn will never be able to forget how distraught he was, the look on his face. And yet...and yet, he couldn't have been assed to let Makoto in on this whatsoever.
He feels horrible. He almost feels like he's just as bad as some of the killers, with all the secrets he's kept, for potentially breaking Makoto's trust -- for hiding his deal with Hamelin from the rest. He's made so many goddamn mistakes during his time here and he doesn't know what to do about it. Was it worth it to lose Moriarty? Was it worth it to condemn people like C-ta and Yor for their dishonesty when he's been doing the same thing?
Suddenly, Tenn feels so small and his tears start streaking down his face again. Maybe he should have asked everyone to vote for him instead. That way, maybe they would've been able to have someone more useful alive instead. That way, he'd stop chasing people away with his inability to help anyone. All this time, he thought his survival was important, what with his connection to the dead. But now, he's considering that Moriarty would've known what to do more than he currently does. Even Makoto would've been a better pick for the role, too. He has never questioned himself as much as he is now, and everything he's worked for, everything he's tried so hard to accomplish suddenly feels like it doesn't --
...
We're still friends, that's what matters.
Mistakes, we're human, but--we've just got to keep doing our best.
No matter what.
That...
...ah. Is this what it feels like to lean on someone completely? To see a ray of sunlight shine down into the ocean as you're sinking into its depths -- to have a warm, comforting hand reach out and grab yours just before you fall down an abyss?
He's still crying, but he manages to nod -- and he nods over and over again, like he's trying to let the words sink in. ]
Y-yeah. I -- I've messed up a lot. Not just here, but at home. With Riku, too. But...like Moriarty-san wants to...I can do my best to atone.
[ Makoto doesn't let go, it's all he can do really. He doesn't know how else to handle this beyond thrashing in the water, struggling to pull Tenn to the surface whether he likes it or not. His words, he meant them, but he isn't honestly sure they'll work. He feels brittle, like the wrong response would snap him in half and he wouldn't be able to put himself back together again.
And then Tenn is nodding, making him whole again --or as close to it as he can get in this place. When did his fingers curl into him like this? He's not sure, but they ease a fraction to let Tenn keep nodding as Makoto keeps soothing. Makoto lets him speak, say whatever he likes into his tear-soaked shoulder. ]
You are doing your best and that's all anyone can ask of you. I can tell you are, but-- messing up, I...
[ A pause, a deep breath. He shouldn't even graze the subject, it's dangerous, but he feels raw like he wants to show Tenn how good of a person he is. ]
You're not the only one. I've made a mess of my life before, hurt people without meaning to.
[ Makoto freezes, tries his best to hide that it's his turn to spiral. Even briefly bringing up his past mistakes still makes him sick, like his body is rebelling against him --afraid that Makoto will stop acknowledging its existence again. Or maybe it's because this place keeps trying to force him to think about his mistakes and the wish to fix things.
There's a dread that creeps in whenever Makoto stops to think about how he feels about Tenn, like he's doing now. It's not that he hasn't gotten to know others here, but not like Tenn. No, he reminds him of back then, with his last friends... --no, no, no, he isn't going to think of them right now, not while he's trying to be here for Tenn. He can't handle their cold weight too right now. But... their persistent faces are back if he closes his eyes, their voices-- We're not a team, We're not friends, We're not family.
Deep breaths, slow exhales; it starts to fade almost as soon as it had started when he focuses on the anchor of warm, alive Tenn. He'll be fine. He really will, even if Makoto's tears dry up and his forehead falls to Tenn's shoulder. His arms remained looped around him, relaxing after a moment. ]
... I still have faith in you --in doing the right thing, even if you don't know what that is. Learning, moving forward, that's all you can do.
[ The more Makoto talks about his life before coming here, the more worried Tenn gets about him. He can't imagine the kind of life Makoto's lived, one in which he didn't have any friends. Tenn may not know about anything he's done, but if he was able to forgive and feel guilt over Moriarty, Yor, C-ta, Lucifer...then...he's sure he can do that for Makoto, too. No matter what kinds of things he's done. Maybe it'll be hard to stomach, maybe it'll take him some time. Regardless, he can't see himself loathing one of the people who not only helped him stay afloat, but shouldered the burden with him on several occasions.
And with what Makoto's saying now, the way he tensed up at the mention of his past, those deep breaths -- Tenn believes him. Tenn believes in him. Someone told him to doubt everyone, and he has tried his damned hardest to do so.
But it's getting harder and harder to doubt Makoto, among others. And, with the situation being what it is, Tenn really doesn't think he can really condemn many, if anyone at all for their actions here. The traitors are probably going to be a different story. But for now, he can't see Makoto killing someone simply because he felt like it, and if he ever did, Tenn is sure he'd have a good reason for it. And that's just how much Tenn trusts him, even if it's been broken so many times.
He starts to calm down, lightly turning his head so his face isn't buried in Makoto's shirt anymore. He wipes at his eyes with his hands. ]
Well, that goes both ways. Maybe we both made a lot of mistakes, here and at home, but -- we're doing what we can now, and we're helping people.
[ He looks up at him, eyes red and puffy but determined all the same. ]
I have an offer for you. If -- no, when we all get out of here, there's a place for you in the year Riku and I are from. I know you don't know Riku well right now, but once I tell him how much you've done for me, he's going to be your friend for life. You don't have to go back to a place where you have no one, Makoto.
After all of this, you deserve more than that, and I'm going to give that to you.
[ Makoto doesn't think he'll ever be able to form the words to admit the worst of his sins to someone like Tenn. Which makes Tenn's offer all the more bittersweet, unfair on so many levels. Friendship, as much as Makoto seeks it, can be such a tenuous, circumstantial thing. Sometimes, you have to look out for your friends at your own expense.
It takes him a moment to respond, to finally look over at Tenn with eyes just as red and puffy. Tears are still drying on his cheeks, but he can't find the energy to wipe at them. A genuine smile blooms, happy that Tenn would think of him outside of this place. For a moment, the optimistic vision sweeps him up --a world where they both get out of this, maybe one where Makoto didn't make so many mistakes in his life beforehand.
Makoto wants nothing more in the world than to tell Tenn that he'll meet them both after this, that they'll be friends back home for the rest of their lives. He wants to tell him that he wishes they could've met before all of this. But there isn't a point in his life that it would be good for Tenn or Riku to be involved. What would they say about idols being friends with a shatei-gashira? Or when he was a two-bit scammer that barely finished high school? The son of a human trafficker? No, he couldn't ask them to do that. It could even be dangerous for them, and he'd never live with himself with more of his friends' blood on his hands.
It almost hurts more than seeing Tenn cry. At the end of the day, they belonged to different worlds within the same country before and Makoto can't ask Tenn to shatter his dreams, lose fans, just to be his friend. He had no home except with the Director, the only place he'd ever been successful. Even if he wanted to, he probably couldn't quit.
Holding on to the feeling gained from imagining a fantasy world where they all live happily after keeps his expression from betraying him. And he won't lie to Tenn either if he can help it. His voice drifts, like it's more of a pleasant dream than reality. ]
You really mean it, don't you? ...But, I'd really like that. I'd get to see both of you perform with your groups. And maybe you'll finally get to ride a camel.
[ And then just like that, he laughs quietly. He pulls away from Makoto in favor of putting a hand on his shoulder, giving them some space to breathe after they've both had yet another very good cry. Tenn is still very distraught over Moriarty, but talking about a happy, hypothetical future that may not even happen is enough to keep his spirits a little lifted.
Tenn isn't naive enough to believe that there could ever be a version of himself that isn't scarred by what's happened here. He doesn't think he can ever be the "people's angel" that they expect him to be, because the face he'll be showing his fans will feel more real, yet somehow more hollow. He's changed from being here in good and bad ways. He's improved himself, he feels more equipped to handle challenges back at home. However, his trust in others feels so much more fragile than it used to be, and a part of him will always be worried that Gaku and Ryuu will find out the mistakes he's made here and won't want anything to do with him anymore.
With that, though, even though Tenn can never be the Kujo Tenn he was before, he can be the person he is now. Damaged, but stronger; skeptical, but honest. ... Yeah. Being honest is something he'll try to do more often, because it feels good. And the person he is now is someone Makoto seems to accept. He's very, very glad for that. ]
Well. If you do decide to go back with us, then let me know. There'll be plenty of performances from Riku and I for you to watch. And I'll make sure to find a camel to ride on, someday, in your honor.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
uhhh cw suicidal ideation but tenn is okay
He feels horrible. He almost feels like he's just as bad as some of the killers, with all the secrets he's kept, for potentially breaking Makoto's trust -- for hiding his deal with Hamelin from the rest. He's made so many goddamn mistakes during his time here and he doesn't know what to do about it. Was it worth it to lose Moriarty? Was it worth it to condemn people like C-ta and Yor for their dishonesty when he's been doing the same thing?
Suddenly, Tenn feels so small and his tears start streaking down his face again. Maybe he should have asked everyone to vote for him instead. That way, maybe they would've been able to have someone more useful alive instead. That way, he'd stop chasing people away with his inability to help anyone. All this time, he thought his survival was important, what with his connection to the dead. But now, he's considering that Moriarty would've known what to do more than he currently does. Even Makoto would've been a better pick for the role, too. He has never questioned himself as much as he is now, and everything he's worked for, everything he's tried so hard to accomplish suddenly feels like it doesn't --
...
We're still friends, that's what matters.
Mistakes, we're human, but--we've just got to keep doing our best.
No matter what.
That...
...ah. Is this what it feels like to lean on someone completely? To see a ray of sunlight shine down into the ocean as you're sinking into its depths -- to have a warm, comforting hand reach out and grab yours just before you fall down an abyss?
He's still crying, but he manages to nod -- and he nods over and over again, like he's trying to let the words sink in. ]
Y-yeah. I -- I've messed up a lot. Not just here, but at home. With Riku, too. But...like Moriarty-san wants to...I can do my best to atone.
Re: uhhh cw suicidal ideation but tenn is okay
And then Tenn is nodding, making him whole again --or as close to it as he can get in this place. When did his fingers curl into him like this? He's not sure, but they ease a fraction to let Tenn keep nodding as Makoto keeps soothing. Makoto lets him speak, say whatever he likes into his tear-soaked shoulder. ]
You are doing your best and that's all anyone can ask of you. I can tell you are, but-- messing up, I...
[ A pause, a deep breath. He shouldn't even graze the subject, it's dangerous, but he feels raw like he wants to show Tenn how good of a person he is. ]
You're not the only one. I've made a mess of my life before, hurt people without meaning to.
[ Makoto freezes, tries his best to hide that it's his turn to spiral. Even briefly bringing up his past mistakes still makes him sick, like his body is rebelling against him --afraid that Makoto will stop acknowledging its existence again. Or maybe it's because this place keeps trying to force him to think about his mistakes and the wish to fix things.
There's a dread that creeps in whenever Makoto stops to think about how he feels about Tenn, like he's doing now. It's not that he hasn't gotten to know others here, but not like Tenn. No, he reminds him of back then, with his last friends... --no, no, no, he isn't going to think of them right now, not while he's trying to be here for Tenn. He can't handle their cold weight too right now. But... their persistent faces are back if he closes his eyes, their voices-- We're not a team, We're not friends, We're not family.
Deep breaths, slow exhales; it starts to fade almost as soon as it had started when he focuses on the anchor of warm, alive Tenn. He'll be fine. He really will, even if Makoto's tears dry up and his forehead falls to Tenn's shoulder. His arms remained looped around him, relaxing after a moment. ]
... I still have faith in you --in doing the right thing, even if you don't know what that is. Learning, moving forward, that's all you can do.
i am wheezing forever over these two
And with what Makoto's saying now, the way he tensed up at the mention of his past, those deep breaths -- Tenn believes him. Tenn believes in him. Someone told him to doubt everyone, and he has tried his damned hardest to do so.
But it's getting harder and harder to doubt Makoto, among others. And, with the situation being what it is, Tenn really doesn't think he can really condemn many, if anyone at all for their actions here. The traitors are probably going to be a different story. But for now, he can't see Makoto killing someone simply because he felt like it, and if he ever did, Tenn is sure he'd have a good reason for it. And that's just how much Tenn trusts him, even if it's been broken so many times.
He starts to calm down, lightly turning his head so his face isn't buried in Makoto's shirt anymore. He wipes at his eyes with his hands. ]
Well, that goes both ways. Maybe we both made a lot of mistakes, here and at home, but -- we're doing what we can now, and we're helping people.
[ He looks up at him, eyes red and puffy but determined all the same. ]
I have an offer for you. If -- no, when we all get out of here, there's a place for you in the year Riku and I are from. I know you don't know Riku well right now, but once I tell him how much you've done for me, he's going to be your friend for life. You don't have to go back to a place where you have no one, Makoto.
After all of this, you deserve more than that, and I'm going to give that to you.
right ?? ughh
It takes him a moment to respond, to finally look over at Tenn with eyes just as red and puffy. Tears are still drying on his cheeks, but he can't find the energy to wipe at them. A genuine smile blooms, happy that Tenn would think of him outside of this place. For a moment, the optimistic vision sweeps him up --a world where they both get out of this, maybe one where Makoto didn't make so many mistakes in his life beforehand.
Makoto wants nothing more in the world than to tell Tenn that he'll meet them both after this, that they'll be friends back home for the rest of their lives. He wants to tell him that he wishes they could've met before all of this. But there isn't a point in his life that it would be good for Tenn or Riku to be involved. What would they say about idols being friends with a shatei-gashira? Or when he was a two-bit scammer that barely finished high school? The son of a human trafficker? No, he couldn't ask them to do that. It could even be dangerous for them, and he'd never live with himself with more of his friends' blood on his hands.
It almost hurts more than seeing Tenn cry. At the end of the day, they belonged to different worlds within the same country before and Makoto can't ask Tenn to shatter his dreams, lose fans, just to be his friend. He had no home except with the Director, the only place he'd ever been successful. Even if he wanted to, he probably couldn't quit.
Holding on to the feeling gained from imagining a fantasy world where they all live happily after keeps his expression from betraying him. And he won't lie to Tenn either if he can help it. His voice drifts, like it's more of a pleasant dream than reality. ]
You really mean it, don't you? ...But, I'd really like that. I'd get to see both of you perform with your groups. And maybe you'll finally get to ride a camel.
1/2
Why wouldn't I mean it? Does this look like the face of someone who's joking around?
2/2
Tenn isn't naive enough to believe that there could ever be a version of himself that isn't scarred by what's happened here. He doesn't think he can ever be the "people's angel" that they expect him to be, because the face he'll be showing his fans will feel more real, yet somehow more hollow. He's changed from being here in good and bad ways. He's improved himself, he feels more equipped to handle challenges back at home. However, his trust in others feels so much more fragile than it used to be, and a part of him will always be worried that Gaku and Ryuu will find out the mistakes he's made here and won't want anything to do with him anymore.
With that, though, even though Tenn can never be the Kujo Tenn he was before, he can be the person he is now. Damaged, but stronger; skeptical, but honest. ... Yeah. Being honest is something he'll try to do more often, because it feels good. And the person he is now is someone Makoto seems to accept. He's very, very glad for that. ]
Well. If you do decide to go back with us, then let me know. There'll be plenty of performances from Riku and I for you to watch. And I'll make sure to find a camel to ride on, someday, in your honor.