[ After speaking to both Moriarty and Makoto individually, Tenn arranged for them to meet in his room Wednesday evening. He has with him three cups of tea, one for each of them -- and when they're all gathered in his room, he sits at the corner of his bed with the cup of tea in his hands.
He takes a sip before he looks back up at the both of them. His expression is a little gloomy, but mostly, he's here to get this shit figured out. ]
Thank you for all of your help. I'm really sorry that I got both of you dragged into this mess.
[ A deep breath, then: ]
I think we should use this time to share information, too, if you're both okay with that.
[ It's just as well that William takes the seat, since Makoto is content to stand for now. With the meeting earlier, he's not as sure about some things, though others have been more solidified. After a sip of his tea, he guesses he'll start things off. He has less new information Tenn probably does anyway. ]
I don't have much that's new. Mostly about Hamelin's history, before this place. But I did do this-- [ Makoto pulls a folded piece of parchment with his free hand, penned onto it is his own drawing of the apple symbol that he'd mentioned. All of the marks are there, though the proportions might not be exactly right. Of course, if either of them want to look more closely he's happy to hand it over. ] It's the symbol on the coin that Hamelin flipped. Sorry, I couldn't read the other side fast enough --it was some kinda text in a weird language.
[ Tenn has heard more about his Hamelin knowledge than William, so he'll be going over some things, filling in the gaps here. Most of his knowledge of Hamelin has to do with Hamelin's world before this one and personal details about him. Does he think any of this is useful? Maybe not, but he thinks he is at least a little more ingratiated with the don should these two decide he needs to be sent back to talk with him.
Summary: Hamelin's favorite color is green, his family is Familigia Grimm and while he is the don, he is also the only member of his Familigia here. The title goes wherever he does, as long as he has underlings. He's always been the don of Grimm, just like he's always been a piper. Hamelin has no parents, never had siblings.
Familigia Grimm's specialty was arms dealing. But the majority of familigia were involved in protection rackets, some dipped in gambling, and others were merchants. Guns were the weapon of choice for most of the familigia. Basically, just like earth mafia, except there is a dichotomy between mortals and immortals. As don, Hamelin saw employing mortals as foot soldiers to be pointless since they are "dispensable pawns when it came to disputes." Familigia did have rules: everyone had their territory, and no fighting on Sunday.
Hamelin also hinted that there are people that he cares about as more than pawns, but Makoto doesn't know who beyond theorizing that it is family that he cares about. Last thing is that Hamelin compares his office to a jail cell, since that lends credence to the theory that Hamelin isn't quite in this by choice. ]
Also... Before, when he mentioned underlings I thought he meant the fairies. But I think now, he was probably talking about the traitors.
I think we should try to find them.
Edited (forgot the jail cell thing) 2021-06-25 03:01 (UTC)
[ room 22 is quiet now that its occupant is no longer resident in it - and when tenn and makoto enter it using william's key, three things will become fairly quickly apparent.
1. the bed is unmade (ha) 2. william's cane/sword is leaning against the mirror in the room, which is still covered by a long piece of white cloth to conceal it 3. one of the drawers in the dresser is not completely closed. ]
Tenn frowns when he enters the room, and it's difficult for him to be in here right now. But...he's going to try, at least, because he does not want the right information to fall into the wrong hands.
Dresser time. Let's take a look at what's in that drawer! ]
no it's not. but it is, however, very sparse, befitting the fact that william isn't really the type of person to accumulate things. however, the drawer does have a couple of small items!
1.) a chain with a small pendant, containing a ruby, amethyst and emerald, crafted by suga. it has the moriarty family motto engraved on it: JE CROIX EN MOI. 2.) the original fountain notes from week 1. strangely, they are not water damaged at all. 3.) two letters. one addressed to tenn, and one addressed to makoto
there are also several pieces of paper with some of his calculations and the like, but they're not important. oops. ]
[ Tenn looks at the pendant, recognizes Suga's craftsmanship, and tucks it away in his pocket.
Then, the fountain notes. He recognizes them and gently pockets those as well.
What really gets to him, however, is his letter. He won't read Makoto's out of respect for their privacy, so he picks up his own first. He's quiet for a while, but his expression gradually shifts from being sad...to something painful. Guilt is etched all over his face one more as he reads on, and he has to hold the letter away from his body so tears don't stain the pages.
He ends up sitting on the edge of Moriarty's unmade bed and folds the note into fourths. He's mindful of his tears, of course, but he places his hands on his lap, still holding on to the note. He ducks his head and lets out a quiet sob.
[ Time doesn't exist, so let's say this is after his wardrobe adventure. Seeing Tenn retreat with his, he does take a moment to read his own. It's shorter and he might beat Tenn in finishing his, but Makoto doesn't start welling up in earnest until he looks up to see Tenn crying.
There's something about his friend sitting there all alone with that look on his face that tugs Makoto over to him before he's really thinking about it. He doesn't need to know exactly what Tenn's note says, doesn't need to know more about what happened --that isn't the point.
Right now, he's going to return the favor of being there for him by moving to wrap his arms around Tenn and pull him in to a hug. ]
[ Tenn allows it to happen. He doesn't push back, he doesn't stiffen; instead, he buries his face into Makoto's shoulder and cries. It's cathartic, being able to release the tears he's been holding back since finding Adora's lifeless body.
He doesn't feel like he deserves Moriarty's kind words. It hurts so much, recollecting their history -- he only wishes he had more time with him. Not just so they could talk about how to end the game, but so that they could talk as people. He realized that Moriarty meant well a little too late, and: ]
[ Good, because Makoto had no intention of letting him go. Not until Tenn is well and truly done needing his comfort. Makoto's arms tighten, his hand traveling up to the head now pressed into his shoulder. He aims for a reassuring motion over Tenn's hair as sluggish, quiet tears path down his own cheeks. Makoto's feelings refuse to be silenced, still hurt when he has no right to be, not after they visited him or the letters, or--
Guilt rises to the surface as Tenn cries. Had he not lied, maybe the burden on his friend wouldn't be quite so heavy. But how can he tell him that now? Makoto's not sure what he would do if Tenn hated him for it. Besides that horrible moment when Tenn admitted that William had confessed, Makoto has his own issues with how he handled things at the trial. He can only guess at what he still doesn't know.
What he does know is that Tenn did contribute to William's death, technically. The harder question is whether another innocent person dying in his place would be better? Instead of crying over William's death, Tenn would only be living with the guilt over someone else's. There was no way to avoid this grief. ]
There isn't always a right answer, and I can't blame you for making that choice. You're a good person, Tenn. I... do honestly still believe that.
And... [ The edge his voice gains isn't meant for Tenn, as Makoto's movements remain slow and comforting. ] it's not your fault that he confessed to you, that he killed someone, or that we're all stuck here --forced to make horrible choices like this. I'm sorry.
[ He's cried so many times here, and he's always left feeling empty, sore, dizzy and tired after every cry. Shedding tears always comes with insurmountable pain in the emotional sense -- sometimes physical, too -- and he's tired. He's never cried so much before in his life. Every other day there's something dragging him down, something making him question everything he's ever done in his lifetime, and he's tired of it.
At least he has people like Makoto to lean on, though. It helps. It doesn't take the pain away entirely, but it helps. ]
...
[ He needs a moment to catch his breath. Makoto probably hasn't seen him cry so much -- not since he found Riku's dead body. ]
I -- I just didn't want what happened to SQ to happen to someone else. But...I don't deserve this letter. I don't know if I can save the dead anymore, I don't know if I can help anyone figure this situation out. How can anyone trust me after what I did to him?
[ He shakes his head. ]
And...I didn't even tell you about it, either. We were a team -- you -- [ He lets out another sob. ] Makoto, I know there's only so much anyone can trust someone here.
But I mean it when I say you are one of my best friends from this stupid place. And I should have relied on you, but I didn't. And for that -- I'm sorry.
[ Makoto expected as much, can't blame him for the reasoning. He's not even sure he'd be strong enough to make the right choice in Tenn's shoes.
What he doesn't expect is the apology. That... has Makoto tensing, just briefly. Tenn's right, it had hurt being blindsided like that. His efforts wasted, he just felt like an idiot. The pain had been festering, leaving him quieter and more distant as he tried to hold it in -- deal with it later when he wouldn't say something stupid. He'd been holding on to the hope that he wouldn't let himself go, lose his last grip on himself in this place.
Despite his current position, arms wrapped firmly around Tenn, it feels like there's been a wedge between them. Only, Makoto hadn't realized it, or the depth of it, until just now. It starts to crack at Tenn's words. Makoto wouldn't have asked for an apology, didn't know he needed it until he hears it. ]
I... hated not knowing what was going on. I couldn't help, I couldn't --
[ The expanse between them crumbles, settling heavily in his chest, at the same time Makoto's resolve does. His voice cracks as he loses control over his own tears, though he isn't quite wracked with sobs like last time. No, these tears are purely for his friends here --the living, breathing ones that he still has the chance to not fail. Pressing a wet cheek to Tenn's hair, Makoto's hold on him evolves from one sided comfort to mutual support. As he leans more of his weight forward, Makoto holds him like he won't ever get the chance again. ]
We're still friends, that's what matters. I told you, didn't I? Mistakes, we're human, but--we've just got to keep. Doing our best, no matter what.
[ He knows that Makoto hates being left out of the loop, hates being unable to help -- the way he reacted to Nageki's death was so strong and visceral, after all. Tenn will never be able to forget how distraught he was, the look on his face. And yet...and yet, he couldn't have been assed to let Makoto in on this whatsoever.
He feels horrible. He almost feels like he's just as bad as some of the killers, with all the secrets he's kept, for potentially breaking Makoto's trust -- for hiding his deal with Hamelin from the rest. He's made so many goddamn mistakes during his time here and he doesn't know what to do about it. Was it worth it to lose Moriarty? Was it worth it to condemn people like C-ta and Yor for their dishonesty when he's been doing the same thing?
Suddenly, Tenn feels so small and his tears start streaking down his face again. Maybe he should have asked everyone to vote for him instead. That way, maybe they would've been able to have someone more useful alive instead. That way, he'd stop chasing people away with his inability to help anyone. All this time, he thought his survival was important, what with his connection to the dead. But now, he's considering that Moriarty would've known what to do more than he currently does. Even Makoto would've been a better pick for the role, too. He has never questioned himself as much as he is now, and everything he's worked for, everything he's tried so hard to accomplish suddenly feels like it doesn't --
...
We're still friends, that's what matters.
Mistakes, we're human, but--we've just got to keep doing our best.
No matter what.
That...
...ah. Is this what it feels like to lean on someone completely? To see a ray of sunlight shine down into the ocean as you're sinking into its depths -- to have a warm, comforting hand reach out and grab yours just before you fall down an abyss?
He's still crying, but he manages to nod -- and he nods over and over again, like he's trying to let the words sink in. ]
Y-yeah. I -- I've messed up a lot. Not just here, but at home. With Riku, too. But...like Moriarty-san wants to...I can do my best to atone.
[ Makoto doesn't let go, it's all he can do really. He doesn't know how else to handle this beyond thrashing in the water, struggling to pull Tenn to the surface whether he likes it or not. His words, he meant them, but he isn't honestly sure they'll work. He feels brittle, like the wrong response would snap him in half and he wouldn't be able to put himself back together again.
And then Tenn is nodding, making him whole again --or as close to it as he can get in this place. When did his fingers curl into him like this? He's not sure, but they ease a fraction to let Tenn keep nodding as Makoto keeps soothing. Makoto lets him speak, say whatever he likes into his tear-soaked shoulder. ]
You are doing your best and that's all anyone can ask of you. I can tell you are, but-- messing up, I...
[ A pause, a deep breath. He shouldn't even graze the subject, it's dangerous, but he feels raw like he wants to show Tenn how good of a person he is. ]
You're not the only one. I've made a mess of my life before, hurt people without meaning to.
[ Makoto freezes, tries his best to hide that it's his turn to spiral. Even briefly bringing up his past mistakes still makes him sick, like his body is rebelling against him --afraid that Makoto will stop acknowledging its existence again. Or maybe it's because this place keeps trying to force him to think about his mistakes and the wish to fix things.
There's a dread that creeps in whenever Makoto stops to think about how he feels about Tenn, like he's doing now. It's not that he hasn't gotten to know others here, but not like Tenn. No, he reminds him of back then, with his last friends... --no, no, no, he isn't going to think of them right now, not while he's trying to be here for Tenn. He can't handle their cold weight too right now. But... their persistent faces are back if he closes his eyes, their voices-- We're not a team, We're not friends, We're not family.
Deep breaths, slow exhales; it starts to fade almost as soon as it had started when he focuses on the anchor of warm, alive Tenn. He'll be fine. He really will, even if Makoto's tears dry up and his forehead falls to Tenn's shoulder. His arms remained looped around him, relaxing after a moment. ]
... I still have faith in you --in doing the right thing, even if you don't know what that is. Learning, moving forward, that's all you can do.
[ The more Makoto talks about his life before coming here, the more worried Tenn gets about him. He can't imagine the kind of life Makoto's lived, one in which he didn't have any friends. Tenn may not know about anything he's done, but if he was able to forgive and feel guilt over Moriarty, Yor, C-ta, Lucifer...then...he's sure he can do that for Makoto, too. No matter what kinds of things he's done. Maybe it'll be hard to stomach, maybe it'll take him some time. Regardless, he can't see himself loathing one of the people who not only helped him stay afloat, but shouldered the burden with him on several occasions.
And with what Makoto's saying now, the way he tensed up at the mention of his past, those deep breaths -- Tenn believes him. Tenn believes in him. Someone told him to doubt everyone, and he has tried his damned hardest to do so.
But it's getting harder and harder to doubt Makoto, among others. And, with the situation being what it is, Tenn really doesn't think he can really condemn many, if anyone at all for their actions here. The traitors are probably going to be a different story. But for now, he can't see Makoto killing someone simply because he felt like it, and if he ever did, Tenn is sure he'd have a good reason for it. And that's just how much Tenn trusts him, even if it's been broken so many times.
He starts to calm down, lightly turning his head so his face isn't buried in Makoto's shirt anymore. He wipes at his eyes with his hands. ]
Well, that goes both ways. Maybe we both made a lot of mistakes, here and at home, but -- we're doing what we can now, and we're helping people.
[ He looks up at him, eyes red and puffy but determined all the same. ]
I have an offer for you. If -- no, when we all get out of here, there's a place for you in the year Riku and I are from. I know you don't know Riku well right now, but once I tell him how much you've done for me, he's going to be your friend for life. You don't have to go back to a place where you have no one, Makoto.
After all of this, you deserve more than that, and I'm going to give that to you.
[ Makoto doesn't think he'll ever be able to form the words to admit the worst of his sins to someone like Tenn. Which makes Tenn's offer all the more bittersweet, unfair on so many levels. Friendship, as much as Makoto seeks it, can be such a tenuous, circumstantial thing. Sometimes, you have to look out for your friends at your own expense.
It takes him a moment to respond, to finally look over at Tenn with eyes just as red and puffy. Tears are still drying on his cheeks, but he can't find the energy to wipe at them. A genuine smile blooms, happy that Tenn would think of him outside of this place. For a moment, the optimistic vision sweeps him up --a world where they both get out of this, maybe one where Makoto didn't make so many mistakes in his life beforehand.
Makoto wants nothing more in the world than to tell Tenn that he'll meet them both after this, that they'll be friends back home for the rest of their lives. He wants to tell him that he wishes they could've met before all of this. But there isn't a point in his life that it would be good for Tenn or Riku to be involved. What would they say about idols being friends with a shatei-gashira? Or when he was a two-bit scammer that barely finished high school? The son of a human trafficker? No, he couldn't ask them to do that. It could even be dangerous for them, and he'd never live with himself with more of his friends' blood on his hands.
It almost hurts more than seeing Tenn cry. At the end of the day, they belonged to different worlds within the same country before and Makoto can't ask Tenn to shatter his dreams, lose fans, just to be his friend. He had no home except with the Director, the only place he'd ever been successful. Even if he wanted to, he probably couldn't quit.
Holding on to the feeling gained from imagining a fantasy world where they all live happily after keeps his expression from betraying him. And he won't lie to Tenn either if he can help it. His voice drifts, like it's more of a pleasant dream than reality. ]
You really mean it, don't you? ...But, I'd really like that. I'd get to see both of you perform with your groups. And maybe you'll finally get to ride a camel.
[ And then just like that, he laughs quietly. He pulls away from Makoto in favor of putting a hand on his shoulder, giving them some space to breathe after they've both had yet another very good cry. Tenn is still very distraught over Moriarty, but talking about a happy, hypothetical future that may not even happen is enough to keep his spirits a little lifted.
Tenn isn't naive enough to believe that there could ever be a version of himself that isn't scarred by what's happened here. He doesn't think he can ever be the "people's angel" that they expect him to be, because the face he'll be showing his fans will feel more real, yet somehow more hollow. He's changed from being here in good and bad ways. He's improved himself, he feels more equipped to handle challenges back at home. However, his trust in others feels so much more fragile than it used to be, and a part of him will always be worried that Gaku and Ryuu will find out the mistakes he's made here and won't want anything to do with him anymore.
With that, though, even though Tenn can never be the Kujo Tenn he was before, he can be the person he is now. Damaged, but stronger; skeptical, but honest. ... Yeah. Being honest is something he'll try to do more often, because it feels good. And the person he is now is someone Makoto seems to accept. He's very, very glad for that. ]
Well. If you do decide to go back with us, then let me know. There'll be plenty of performances from Riku and I for you to watch. And I'll make sure to find a camel to ride on, someday, in your honor.
[ Makoto enters after Tenn, still quiet. While the idol has the drawer covered, Makoto catches sight of the cane. He frowns at it, but lets his fingers brush over it anyway.
Standing next to it, he's never wished he was taller so badly in his life. ]
[ technically, the cane isn't really that tall for william so it should still be a comfortable height for makoto to use! be careful when you brush over it though - there's a catch on the side for the blade to pop out of the sheath.
there's something else of interest though. care to check out the main wardrobe? ]
anyway the wardrobe is similarly sparse! several outfits from the boutique in the similar style as his everyday wear, but the important thing to note here is that the cinderella glass slipper can be found at the bottom of the wardrobe. makoto is free to pilfer it if he wants. ]
[ Yes, he will pilfer these and the sword. It doesn't make up for losing William, but it could be useful yet. He'll be back for it after he's done hugging Tenn.
By the way, this isn't an investigation... so is this room clear? ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 4, wednesday
He takes a sip before he looks back up at the both of them. His expression is a little gloomy, but mostly, he's here to get this shit figured out. ]
Thank you for all of your help. I'm really sorry that I got both of you dragged into this mess.
[ A deep breath, then: ]
I think we should use this time to share information, too, if you're both okay with that.
Re: week 4, wednesday
... Most of what I know is observation and deduction. As you can understand, independent confirmations take some time.
[ a soft clink as he sets the teacup down. ]
Perhaps you can tell me what you both know, and I will try to fill in whatever else I can or connect the dots together.
sorry this took so long rip
I don't have much that's new. Mostly about Hamelin's history, before this place. But I did do this-- [ Makoto pulls a folded piece of parchment with his free hand, penned onto it is his own drawing of the apple symbol that he'd mentioned. All of the marks are there, though the proportions might not be exactly right. Of course, if either of them want to look more closely he's happy to hand it over. ] It's the symbol on the coin that Hamelin flipped. Sorry, I couldn't read the other side fast enough --it was some kinda text in a weird language.
[ Tenn has heard more about his Hamelin knowledge than William, so he'll be going over some things, filling in the gaps here. Most of his knowledge of Hamelin has to do with Hamelin's world before this one and personal details about him. Does he think any of this is useful? Maybe not, but he thinks he is at least a little more ingratiated with the don should these two decide he needs to be sent back to talk with him.
Summary:
Hamelin's favorite color is green, his family is Familigia Grimm and while he is the don, he is also the only member of his Familigia here. The title goes wherever he does, as long as he has underlings. He's always been the don of Grimm, just like he's always been a piper. Hamelin has no parents, never had siblings.
Familigia Grimm's specialty was arms dealing. But the majority of familigia were involved in protection rackets, some dipped in gambling, and others were merchants. Guns were the weapon of choice for most of the familigia. Basically, just like earth mafia, except there is a dichotomy between mortals and immortals. As don, Hamelin saw employing mortals as foot soldiers to be pointless since they are "dispensable pawns when it came to disputes." Familigia did have rules: everyone had their territory, and no fighting on Sunday.
Hamelin also hinted that there are people that he cares about as more than pawns, but Makoto doesn't know who beyond theorizing that it is family that he cares about. Last thing is that Hamelin compares his office to a jail cell, since that lends credence to the theory that Hamelin isn't quite in this by choice. ]
Also... Before, when he mentioned underlings I thought he meant the fairies. But I think now, he was probably talking about the traitors.
I think we should try to find them.
no subject
[ At least, that's what he thinks. Though...it'd be interesting if they got the traitors removed somehow. What would happen to him then?
The jail cell comment, though, gives him pause. He knows Makoto mentioned it before, but: ]
Didn't Edelgard bring up a jail cell in her mirror experience?
ROOM RAID THREAD
1. the bed is unmade (ha)
2. william's cane/sword is leaning against the mirror in the room, which is still covered by a long piece of white cloth to conceal it
3. one of the drawers in the dresser is not completely closed. ]
drawer drawer drawer
Tenn frowns when he enters the room, and it's difficult for him to be in here right now. But...he's going to try, at least, because he does not want the right information to fall into the wrong hands.
Dresser time. Let's take a look at what's in that drawer! ]
no subject
empty--
no it's not. but it is, however, very sparse, befitting the fact that william isn't really the type of person to accumulate things. however, the drawer does have a couple of small items!
1.) a chain with a small pendant, containing a ruby, amethyst and emerald, crafted by suga. it has the moriarty family motto engraved on it: JE CROIX EN MOI.
2.) the original fountain notes from week 1. strangely, they are not water damaged at all.
3.) two letters. one addressed to tenn, and one addressed to makoto
there are also several pieces of paper with some of his calculations and the like, but they're not important. oops. ]
no subject
Then, the fountain notes. He recognizes them and gently pockets those as well.
What really gets to him, however, is his letter. He won't read Makoto's out of respect for their privacy, so he picks up his own first. He's quiet for a while, but his expression gradually shifts from being sad...to something painful. Guilt is etched all over his face one more as he reads on, and he has to hold the letter away from his body so tears don't stain the pages.
He ends up sitting on the edge of Moriarty's unmade bed and folds the note into fourths. He's mindful of his tears, of course, but he places his hands on his lap, still holding on to the note. He ducks his head and lets out a quiet sob.
Makoto's note is still in the drawer. ]
no subject
There's something about his friend sitting there all alone with that look on his face that tugs Makoto over to him before he's really thinking about it. He doesn't need to know exactly what Tenn's note says, doesn't need to know more about what happened --that isn't the point.
Right now, he's going to return the favor of being there for him by moving to wrap his arms around Tenn and pull him in to a hug. ]
no subject
He doesn't feel like he deserves Moriarty's kind words. It hurts so much, recollecting their history -- he only wishes he had more time with him. Not just so they could talk about how to end the game, but so that they could talk as people. He realized that Moriarty meant well a little too late, and: ]
I killed him, Makoto. This -- this is my fault.
no subject
Guilt rises to the surface as Tenn cries. Had he not lied, maybe the burden on his friend wouldn't be quite so heavy. But how can he tell him that now? Makoto's not sure what he would do if Tenn hated him for it. Besides that horrible moment when Tenn admitted that William had confessed, Makoto has his own issues with how he handled things at the trial. He can only guess at what he still doesn't know.
What he does know is that Tenn did contribute to William's death, technically. The harder question is whether another innocent person dying in his place would be better? Instead of crying over William's death, Tenn would only be living with the guilt over someone else's. There was no way to avoid this grief. ]
There isn't always a right answer, and I can't blame you for making that choice. You're a good person, Tenn. I... do honestly still believe that.
And... [ The edge his voice gains isn't meant for Tenn, as Makoto's movements remain slow and comforting. ] it's not your fault that he confessed to you, that he killed someone, or that we're all stuck here --forced to make horrible choices like this. I'm sorry.
no subject
At least he has people like Makoto to lean on, though. It helps. It doesn't take the pain away entirely, but it helps. ]
...
[ He needs a moment to catch his breath. Makoto probably hasn't seen him cry so much -- not since he found Riku's dead body. ]
I -- I just didn't want what happened to SQ to happen to someone else. But...I don't deserve this letter. I don't know if I can save the dead anymore, I don't know if I can help anyone figure this situation out. How can anyone trust me after what I did to him?
[ He shakes his head. ]
And...I didn't even tell you about it, either. We were a team -- you -- [ He lets out another sob. ] Makoto, I know there's only so much anyone can trust someone here.
But I mean it when I say you are one of my best friends from this stupid place. And I should have relied on you, but I didn't. And for that -- I'm sorry.
no subject
[ Makoto expected as much, can't blame him for the reasoning. He's not even sure he'd be strong enough to make the right choice in Tenn's shoes.
What he doesn't expect is the apology. That... has Makoto tensing, just briefly. Tenn's right, it had hurt being blindsided like that. His efforts wasted, he just felt like an idiot. The pain had been festering, leaving him quieter and more distant as he tried to hold it in -- deal with it later when he wouldn't say something stupid. He'd been holding on to the hope that he wouldn't let himself go, lose his last grip on himself in this place.
Despite his current position, arms wrapped firmly around Tenn, it feels like there's been a wedge between them. Only, Makoto hadn't realized it, or the depth of it, until just now. It starts to crack at Tenn's words. Makoto wouldn't have asked for an apology, didn't know he needed it until he hears it. ]
I... hated not knowing what was going on. I couldn't help, I couldn't --
[ The expanse between them crumbles, settling heavily in his chest, at the same time Makoto's resolve does. His voice cracks as he loses control over his own tears, though he isn't quite wracked with sobs like last time. No, these tears are purely for his friends here --the living, breathing ones that he still has the chance to not fail. Pressing a wet cheek to Tenn's hair, Makoto's hold on him evolves from one sided comfort to mutual support. As he leans more of his weight forward, Makoto holds him like he won't ever get the chance again. ]
We're still friends, that's what matters. I told you, didn't I? Mistakes, we're human, but--we've just got to keep. Doing our best, no matter what.
uhhh cw suicidal ideation but tenn is okay
He feels horrible. He almost feels like he's just as bad as some of the killers, with all the secrets he's kept, for potentially breaking Makoto's trust -- for hiding his deal with Hamelin from the rest. He's made so many goddamn mistakes during his time here and he doesn't know what to do about it. Was it worth it to lose Moriarty? Was it worth it to condemn people like C-ta and Yor for their dishonesty when he's been doing the same thing?
Suddenly, Tenn feels so small and his tears start streaking down his face again. Maybe he should have asked everyone to vote for him instead. That way, maybe they would've been able to have someone more useful alive instead. That way, he'd stop chasing people away with his inability to help anyone. All this time, he thought his survival was important, what with his connection to the dead. But now, he's considering that Moriarty would've known what to do more than he currently does. Even Makoto would've been a better pick for the role, too. He has never questioned himself as much as he is now, and everything he's worked for, everything he's tried so hard to accomplish suddenly feels like it doesn't --
...
We're still friends, that's what matters.
Mistakes, we're human, but--we've just got to keep doing our best.
No matter what.
That...
...ah. Is this what it feels like to lean on someone completely? To see a ray of sunlight shine down into the ocean as you're sinking into its depths -- to have a warm, comforting hand reach out and grab yours just before you fall down an abyss?
He's still crying, but he manages to nod -- and he nods over and over again, like he's trying to let the words sink in. ]
Y-yeah. I -- I've messed up a lot. Not just here, but at home. With Riku, too. But...like Moriarty-san wants to...I can do my best to atone.
Re: uhhh cw suicidal ideation but tenn is okay
And then Tenn is nodding, making him whole again --or as close to it as he can get in this place. When did his fingers curl into him like this? He's not sure, but they ease a fraction to let Tenn keep nodding as Makoto keeps soothing. Makoto lets him speak, say whatever he likes into his tear-soaked shoulder. ]
You are doing your best and that's all anyone can ask of you. I can tell you are, but-- messing up, I...
[ A pause, a deep breath. He shouldn't even graze the subject, it's dangerous, but he feels raw like he wants to show Tenn how good of a person he is. ]
You're not the only one. I've made a mess of my life before, hurt people without meaning to.
[ Makoto freezes, tries his best to hide that it's his turn to spiral. Even briefly bringing up his past mistakes still makes him sick, like his body is rebelling against him --afraid that Makoto will stop acknowledging its existence again. Or maybe it's because this place keeps trying to force him to think about his mistakes and the wish to fix things.
There's a dread that creeps in whenever Makoto stops to think about how he feels about Tenn, like he's doing now. It's not that he hasn't gotten to know others here, but not like Tenn. No, he reminds him of back then, with his last friends... --no, no, no, he isn't going to think of them right now, not while he's trying to be here for Tenn. He can't handle their cold weight too right now. But... their persistent faces are back if he closes his eyes, their voices-- We're not a team, We're not friends, We're not family.
Deep breaths, slow exhales; it starts to fade almost as soon as it had started when he focuses on the anchor of warm, alive Tenn. He'll be fine. He really will, even if Makoto's tears dry up and his forehead falls to Tenn's shoulder. His arms remained looped around him, relaxing after a moment. ]
... I still have faith in you --in doing the right thing, even if you don't know what that is. Learning, moving forward, that's all you can do.
i am wheezing forever over these two
And with what Makoto's saying now, the way he tensed up at the mention of his past, those deep breaths -- Tenn believes him. Tenn believes in him. Someone told him to doubt everyone, and he has tried his damned hardest to do so.
But it's getting harder and harder to doubt Makoto, among others. And, with the situation being what it is, Tenn really doesn't think he can really condemn many, if anyone at all for their actions here. The traitors are probably going to be a different story. But for now, he can't see Makoto killing someone simply because he felt like it, and if he ever did, Tenn is sure he'd have a good reason for it. And that's just how much Tenn trusts him, even if it's been broken so many times.
He starts to calm down, lightly turning his head so his face isn't buried in Makoto's shirt anymore. He wipes at his eyes with his hands. ]
Well, that goes both ways. Maybe we both made a lot of mistakes, here and at home, but -- we're doing what we can now, and we're helping people.
[ He looks up at him, eyes red and puffy but determined all the same. ]
I have an offer for you. If -- no, when we all get out of here, there's a place for you in the year Riku and I are from. I know you don't know Riku well right now, but once I tell him how much you've done for me, he's going to be your friend for life. You don't have to go back to a place where you have no one, Makoto.
After all of this, you deserve more than that, and I'm going to give that to you.
right ?? ughh
It takes him a moment to respond, to finally look over at Tenn with eyes just as red and puffy. Tears are still drying on his cheeks, but he can't find the energy to wipe at them. A genuine smile blooms, happy that Tenn would think of him outside of this place. For a moment, the optimistic vision sweeps him up --a world where they both get out of this, maybe one where Makoto didn't make so many mistakes in his life beforehand.
Makoto wants nothing more in the world than to tell Tenn that he'll meet them both after this, that they'll be friends back home for the rest of their lives. He wants to tell him that he wishes they could've met before all of this. But there isn't a point in his life that it would be good for Tenn or Riku to be involved. What would they say about idols being friends with a shatei-gashira? Or when he was a two-bit scammer that barely finished high school? The son of a human trafficker? No, he couldn't ask them to do that. It could even be dangerous for them, and he'd never live with himself with more of his friends' blood on his hands.
It almost hurts more than seeing Tenn cry. At the end of the day, they belonged to different worlds within the same country before and Makoto can't ask Tenn to shatter his dreams, lose fans, just to be his friend. He had no home except with the Director, the only place he'd ever been successful. Even if he wanted to, he probably couldn't quit.
Holding on to the feeling gained from imagining a fantasy world where they all live happily after keeps his expression from betraying him. And he won't lie to Tenn either if he can help it. His voice drifts, like it's more of a pleasant dream than reality. ]
You really mean it, don't you? ...But, I'd really like that. I'd get to see both of you perform with your groups. And maybe you'll finally get to ride a camel.
1/2
Why wouldn't I mean it? Does this look like the face of someone who's joking around?
2/2
Tenn isn't naive enough to believe that there could ever be a version of himself that isn't scarred by what's happened here. He doesn't think he can ever be the "people's angel" that they expect him to be, because the face he'll be showing his fans will feel more real, yet somehow more hollow. He's changed from being here in good and bad ways. He's improved himself, he feels more equipped to handle challenges back at home. However, his trust in others feels so much more fragile than it used to be, and a part of him will always be worried that Gaku and Ryuu will find out the mistakes he's made here and won't want anything to do with him anymore.
With that, though, even though Tenn can never be the Kujo Tenn he was before, he can be the person he is now. Damaged, but stronger; skeptical, but honest. ... Yeah. Being honest is something he'll try to do more often, because it feels good. And the person he is now is someone Makoto seems to accept. He's very, very glad for that. ]
Well. If you do decide to go back with us, then let me know. There'll be plenty of performances from Riku and I for you to watch. And I'll make sure to find a camel to ride on, someday, in your honor.
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Standing next to it, he's never wished he was taller so badly in his life. ]
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there's something else of interest though. care to check out the main wardrobe? ]
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He'll be back for it after he checks out the wardrobe though. ]
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anyway the wardrobe is similarly sparse! several outfits from the boutique in the similar style as his everyday wear, but the important thing to note here is that the cinderella glass slipper can be found at the bottom of the wardrobe. makoto is free to pilfer it if he wants. ]
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By the way, this isn't an investigation... so is this room clear? ]
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backdated: dungeon talk, saturday sometime, week 4